My Kid Can Beat Up Your Kid....or This Kid Can

Let's talk about how this kid may have serious social development problems when he is older. There is a moment when he is screaming and it might be really scary. But some of the stuff towards the end is just nuts! YIKES!



Highlights:

0:32 -- The "Crouching Tiger" wall flip.

0:41 -- Backflips on the kitchen table.

1:43 -- Doing barbell curls with toddlers dancing to 50 Cent in the background.

3:19 -- More flipping, this time from a high bar.

3:39 -- Amazing

Curves, IQ, & the Badonkadonk

Curves Make A Comeback....Please?
I do not know of one woman who cannot name at least one part of their body that they would like to change. I'm not sure when curves became a woman's image enemy....but I think that they are slowly making a comeback.

Victoria Beckham vs. Halle Berry
I feel a surge of women who wish to fight against the your-body-must-display-your-clothes-like-a-hanger look. I think Halle Berry is the clear winner on this one....although it doesn't hurt that Halle's face (which isn't even pictured) is also nearly perfect.

Eyes on the Prize
Even our Presidents can't resist women with curves....tsk tsk! I love the guy's expression on the right.

"Oh excuse me...while I accidentally graze my hand across those forbidden fruits....over and over again"

Curvy Women Are Smarter
Women with wide hips & a low waist-hip ratio have been shown in a study to be smarter and have smarter kids. William Lassek of the University of Pittsburgh, & Steven Gaulin of the University of California, found that curvy women consistently outscored their skinny counterparts in cognition tests, & also that a child's cognitive performance was directly linked to their mother's waist-hip ratio. The study relied on data of more than 16,000 women from the US National Center for Health Statistics. Children whose mothers had wide hips and a low waist-hip ratio scored highest, leading Lassek and Gaulin to suggest that fetuses benefit from hip fat that contains polyunsaturated fatty acids critical for the development of the fetus's brain.
The findings were published by Evolution and Human Behavior scientific journal.....so eat it skinny girls!!! (and by "it" I am referring to donuts, french fries, or Twinkies will do)

Workin Yer Money Maker
And finally, we have the badonkadonk. For those who are not sure what this is....please read the following definition

Badonkadonk Definition:
The word is derived from the sound produced when you bounce a basketball. Often used as an expression for an extremely curvaceous female gluteus maximus that is both symmetrical (width/depth) and jiggles with ease using a slight hip popping motion. Women who posses this feature will have either a small waist that explodes into a large round posterior or moderately wide hips and with an abundant amount of rear cleavage (depth of butt-crack).

Used in a sentence: Yo, check out the nice badonkadonk on that girl!

Jennifer Lopez & Serena Williams workin their badonkadonks


Two examples of this word being used in pop culture
1. This subway commercial (another favorite of mine)



2. The Trace Adkin's song "Honky Tonk Badonkadonk" Well, I was gonna post his video, but as it pertains to the badonkadonk....I decided that it was just a bit too.......visual. So I give you a snippet of the lyrics. If you need to see the video, click here.

Now Honey, you can't blame her, For what her mama gave her
It ain't right to hate her, For workin' that money-maker
Band shuts down at 2, But we're hangin' out till 3
We hate to see her go, But love to watch her leave
With that honky tonk badonkadonk
Keepin' perfect rhythm, Make ya wanna swing along
Got it goin' on, Like Donkey Kong
And whoo-wee, Shut my mouth, slap your grandma
There outta be a law, Get the Sheriff on the phone
Lord have mercy, how's she even get them britches on
With that honky tonk badonkadonk

And the ladies in the video did not have badonkadonks by definition....they had something more like 2 wee grapefruits covered up by jeans.

And finally....I like Trace Adkins....but I do not wish to slap my grandma....can someone shed some light on these lyrics for me? I am lost.

Not Me Monday

Okay, so I know I've been quite lazy about my blog in recent weeks....this is mostly due to our dead laptop. And since our computer is not in the same room as our TV....I choose to sit with my husband in the evenings instead of in front of the computer. So if anyone has an old laptop that they care to donate to me....let me know. So a short Not Me Monday list to get myself back on the blog wagon.

• I did not almost hit a mailbox because I was assisting Stella with her shoes in the car. My kids are always dressed before we leave the house.

• I did let my husband know via a text that I was tired & headed to bed....when he was sitting right next to me......NERD ALERT!

• I did not sit in our car for an extra 5 minutes so i could listen to free beer & hot wings radio show.

• I did not scold Stella for throwing tiny toys down the laundry shoot and then once she was napping.....throw tiny toys down the laundry shoot....as it is the most efficient way to get them to the basement. That do not hold double standards.

• I did not spend tons of time rearranging all the dishes in the dishwasher to accommodate my large strainer & bowl....easily more time than it would take to just wash the stupid things. No way, that is counter-productive.

Clone Wars

When Sofia was born, I was thrilled to finally have a "mini me"....as I am adopted and she was the first person I knew that truly looked like me.





My mother-in-law, Pati, always tells me that Stella reminds her so much of Peter.....mannerisms AND looks. I supposed she's right.





And then some people say that they think Sofia & Stella look alike....does that mean that me and Peter look alike?

Not Me Monday

Is it pathetic that this is my 21st week doing this? Ugh...another fantastic week of things I did not do or say....

• I did not completely ignore Stella's whining in the car about her doll & realize after people were gawking at us in the grocery store....that Miss Dolly was headless. Not me, that would make me the crazy lady who lets her children play with decapitated dolls....that's morbid & disturbing.

• I did not swerve in front of the lady who nearly killed us because she was talking on her cell phone & oblivious to the driving world.....& then slow down to 15 below the speed limit....and when she finally passed me....I did not meet her dagger eyes with a smirk & pretend to be talking on my cell phone. Not me, road rage is not the answer.

• I did not get honked at a stop light because my face was not 2 inches from my rear view mirror in a very awkward attempt to dislodge a giant piece of bacon stuck in a back molar using my fingernail. No way, that's gross & unsanitary. I always have floss & toothpicks handy for such occasions.

• I did not tell Sofia that my ipod was broke & would only play The Killers....so we couldn't listen to her Vacation Bible School songs. I never miss an opportunity to deliver the wonderful message of Jesus to my children.....especially through extremely repetitive & simplistic jingles that stick in your head for weeks.

• I did not allow my legs to become so dry that Sofia and I were able to draw beautiful butterflies & play several games of Tic Tac Toe on the overly chapped surface. That's gross.

• I did not add a raspberry cereal bar to my apple & banana fruit bowl in a sad attempt to claim it as another very healthy fruit option.

And the things I definitely did not say....

• "Sofia, just because I said that you got your hair from dad....doesn't mean you have "dad hair" so relax!"

• Look Fia, just because I call it a "coin slot" doesn't' mean you should actually put coins down it! Now stop inserting coins into my rear & into Stella's diaper! Lots of people call them plumber cracks too...."

The Truth is Exposed

This Picture Is Awesome Because...

After you make your choice...you have to scroll over to see voter results.
Well, I'm not entirely sure what happened to this picture....but it's creepy.

Just A Random Clip

Sometimes I think if someone followed me around & narrated my life that they would be extremely bored & unimpressed. Although I do think some situations would be much cooler with background music...just like the movies. If only I could cue awesome action music....or cue emotional sappy tunes during various moments in my day.

Anyways, this clip doesn't pertain to background movie music....it is just funny to me every time.

Lowes Knows....Home Depot Does Not

Peter puts paint order in at Home Depot.
Home Depot forgets one of the gallons on the order.
Peter returns to Home Depot to pick it up.
Home Depot gently sets top on paint.
Home Depot does not secure top with machine thingy.
Peter turns out of Home Depot parking lot.
Paint bucket tips & paint pours out.
Home Depot tries to deny any & all fault.

SWEET!!

Needless to say....Peter was not pleased with Home Depot.
And of course....it had to be the ONLY gallon of red paint.

The damage....from a distance



A little closer



Front: Passenger side...by the door



Middle Bench: There were literally pools of paint



Under front passenger seat....more pools


4 Bags of clean-up mess & damaged floor mats, blankets, etc.



Home Depot is blacklisted.

Not Me Monday

After a long-ish break from blogging....here I am again with another list of the things I did not do or say....

• I was not late picking Sofia up from school because I spent several minutes in the parking lot dusting off the orange cheese powder that covered my shirt, face, & fingers because I was not gorging myself with Cheese Puffs like a hungry lioness with a fresh kill.

• I did not find myself driving down the center of the road because I needed to pour the final cheese puffs from the huge bag directly into my mouth to consume every single crumb. That would be dangerous....and really, the important thing is that I was not wasteful with my food.

• I did not shamelessly bag my 4 bananas in 4 separate bags & then proceed to quadruple bag those 4 bags for a total of 16 because I was out of my "dirty diaper disposal bags" at home.

• When I saw my neighbor approaching for a chat, I did not casually stand up & discretely tuck my excess tummy skin back into my jeans, sit back down, & blouse out my shirt to hide my glorious mommy muffin top that likes to spill over the top & sides of my pants. Not me. I am proud of my had-a-few-babies-&-your-body-will-never-be-the-same-belly.

• I did not ignore Sofia's polite request to "PLEASE TURN THE MUSIC DOWN MOMMY!!" because I needed to listen to Journey at rock concert volume. Surely she enjoyed my Journey/Supertramp/Styx mix.

• I did not wait till a weird orangey colored ring showed up on inside of my toilet to finally clean it. I keep my house free of unknown growing mold & germ related bacteria.

• I did not insist that Sofia wear a long sleeve shirt & wear a t-shirt....with a terrible excuse that my only long sleeve shirt is "dirty". That is outright dishonesty.

Men of Genius

It has been awhile since I've posted one of these. I just love these radio commercials. I especially enjoy this one because I once devoured one of these "healthy" meals, got really sick, & haven't touched them since. My favorite part is the ladies in the back "....I don't see no lettuce...."

Snapshots

Backyard Bubbles....a favorite passtime


Stella found her Halloween costume & insists on wearing it....all...the...time.


Sofia loves bacon


Stella has also become a bacon fan
But seriously....I don't think they would be allowed in this family if they did not.


Sofia started Young 5's this year.
3 days a week

Are You Attached?

Well....I took a solid few weeks off from blogging....mostly because I realized that I was developing a very unhealthy obsession with checking other blogs, updating my blog, & wasting time on facebook. During my weeks off....I suddenly became really productive & was able to focus on being a better wife & mom. But alas, I can not cut off the few ties I have to the outside world. And besides, my Not Me Monday list is getting way too long. Here was the last post I started......Attached vs Unattached.

Are your ear lobes attached or unattached? I think the preferred text book lobe is unattached....for whatever reason....maybe because they look nicer decorated with jewelry. Mine (pictured to the right) are attached.


When I was little, I thought my ears were just one more weird thing about me....but I have come to realize that lots of people have attached lobes....here are just a few.

Actors
Top: Matthew Never-Wears-A-Shirt-McConaughey & Tomb Raider
Bottom: My freckled Asian Brethren & Big Nose Cruise



Athletes
Top: Brian McBride & Stevie Y (Just so delicious)
Bottom: Bong Boy With Gold Medals & Overrated Patriots Guy



Presidents
JFK...I think Lee H Ozwald had lobe envy...as his were unattached.
Clinton....who can easily be in the actor category....cue tear.

Not Me Monday

Despite it being Labor Day & my usual thou-shalt-not-labor mentality....I bring you another Not Me list.....

• I did not roll up Stella's wet diaper & throw it down the stairs....where it did not hit Sofia in the shoulder causing her to fall to the ground. I did not tell her to to develop better reflexes instead of coddling her. That is just mean....on several levels.

• I did not forgo a plate & decide that using a massive wooden spoon to shovel fried rice directly from a gi-normous wok was appropriate & classy dinner etiquette. I always set a example for my children....especially the ones pertaining to portion control & not pretending you are a wild animal.

• I did not chase Stella around the house with her pajamas & wrestle her to the down & dress her like a hog tie competition. I also did not don my cowboys boots & hat for such an occasion....and have Sofia cheer me on & time me.

• I did not casually walk through Meijer & actively ignore the Lady-Control-Your-Child stares....because Stella was not lodged under my arm like a giant wiggly watermelon and definitely not flailing her arms & legs like a worm about to be skewered. No way, my children never misbehave....especially in public.

• I have mastered the ambiguous answers such as "yep....uh huh.....oh really.....wow, I know...." to stop my daughter repeating mindless questions to me....and then get upset because I didn't realize she asked permission to have another cookie. I always pay close attention to all the questions she asks me.

• I did not lecture Sofia that picking her cuticles was a gross habit & to stop....just after I had rolled down my window to spit out the last fingernail that I finished biting off.

• I did run an entire day of errands with "Buy One, Get One Free!!" stickers that Stella took off some random item & decided to adhere them to my two front endowments....and later wonder why people were snickering at me all day....thanks Stella.

• I did not pick out Stella's toe lint & discretely sprinkle it on the ground in the Marshall Fields.  Not me, I don't groom my children like a wild animal....and besides, my children don't have excessive toe cheese....that's gross.

How Would You Spend It?

I wasn't sure if I should label this post in my Pet Peeves....but as this irritant has an expiration date...maybe I should create a "Rachel's Rants" category. Anyways, an intersection near my house has begun new road construction courtesy of the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act of 2009. Aside from the traffic increase & annoying orange barrels that always come with road construction.....there seem to be a zillion of these road signs. I typically don't have a problem with road construction signage.....just these.

Depending on location....these signs can cost between $500 and $1,200 to design, make & install. As of June 22, there were about 4,840 nationwide highway projects funded through the Recovery Act. If every project had only 1 Recovery Act sign with an average sign cost of $800....that's almost $3.9 million!!! MILLION!!! On my trip to Chicago last weekend.....I observed 4 separate times when these signs were posted on the right & left side of the expressway....as if to create some sort of gate into the construction zone. That's 8 signs for only 4 projects.

The Breton & Burton intersection near my house has 4 separate signs for 1 project....so you can be alerted from every direction. Say these signs cost $800 per sign....that's still $3,200 worth of signage for 1 measly intersection. I'm sure other construction sites also have more than 1 sign per site.

Signs are important & some sign maker made some money....I get it....fine. But what irritates me the most is that these signs can not be reused....as the Recovery Act expires in 2011 & they will be outdated! What a waste.

Here are some ways I might have spent $3,200.....

• 640 packages of beef jerky....an entire package for nearly 2 years!
• 2 Dove chocolate mini morsels everyday for 34 years.
  
• 100 pairs of kids shoes (the expensive kind)
• 200 pairs of kids shoes (the kind I get from Target)
• 1280 glorious pounds of hummus
• Gas in my van for nearly 2 years
• Oil changes for 23 years
• 320,000 rides on Sandy, the mechanical pony @ Meijer
• 2,100 ice cream cones at Jersey Junction
• 17,000 diapers....nearly 6 years worth with an average of 8 per day
  

How would you spend it?

Not Me Monday

No intros this week....just my Not Me list.....

• I did not get so carried away with my horse impression that I drooled all over the ground in Lowes....because I was not already galloping around with Stella on my shoulders making amazing whinny sounds. Not me, I am an adult & always conduct myself in a mature manner.

• I did not settle into my comfy backyard chair, sip my beer, & lazily throw sticks for Stella to retrieve & put back into pile next to me. No way, I do not treat Stella like a dog.

• I did not forget Stella was on my back in a carrier when I was mowing the lawn & proceed to rake her through a tree branch. No way, I am always very careful.....besides, my resume for endangering children is already top notch.

• I did not try to avoid possible scolding from my eye doctor father-in-law about Stella's eyes not being protected during said tree raking by slapping some junior ski goggles over her eyes & rewarding her with the privilege of wearing her bike helmet.....only a crazy lady would mow her lawn with a goggled & helmeted child strapped to her back.
  

• I did not stuff an entire banana in my mouth because Sofia wondered if it was possible. I do not give in to the absurd requests of a 4 year old.
  

• After rushing to Sofia's room during her nightmare, I did not first make her brush her teeth before I consoled her....that is cruel & a good mommy would never notice poop breath.

• I did not play hide & go seek with Sofia and forget to go seek her because I started checking my email. This game did not end with tears & a massive side plate of GUILT.

• I did not have a very satisfactory morning bathroom break & then reweigh myself to see if I lost any lbs. I did not clap like a delighted 2 year old to see that the scale read 1.5 pounds lighter....which really has nothing to do with my actual body & more to do with the fact that I was holding on to 1.5 pounds worth of toilet waste....and that is GA-ROSS!!

• After passing my threshold during a day filled with an irregular amount of senseless whining....I did reason that I would be a much better mommy if I sought immediate help from two friends Miller Lite & Cookie Dough....whose short term relaxation techniques did wonders.