Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Careers in Mommyhood

POSITION: Mother, Mom, Mama, Ma, Mommy

JOB DESCRIPTION: Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills & be willing to work variable hours, which includes evenings, weekends & frequent 24 hour shifts on call.

Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES: The rest of your life. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.
  • Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5.
  • Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
  • Must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule & be able to go from 0-60 mph in 3 seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
  • Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets & stuck zippers.
  • Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars & coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
  • Must have ability to plan & organize social gatherings for clients of all ages & mental outlooks.
  • Must be willing to be indispensable 1 minute, an embarrassment the next.
  • Must handle assembly & product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, & battery operated devices.
  • Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
  • Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION: Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining & updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION: You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS: While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.
This was given to me at my first baby shower. After being extremely ill with a very violent virus this past weekend while Peter had to work....I did not get to call in a sick day. Everything gets put on hold & nothing gets done. I finally started to feel better & both Peter & Sofia are now sick.....so typical.

No sleep.
Exhausting double over-time.
Playing laundry/cleaning catch up all day.
Extra messes because of excessive amounts of vomit.
I love my job & would not trade it for the world....see benefits section of job description. ;)

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