I did not walk into Gazelle Sports with zero intention to buy, have someone fit in 5 different shoes, ask tons of questions, & then conveniently "forget my wallet in my jogger at home"....and then take my new running shoe knowledge to Nordstrom Rack, TJMaxx, & Kohls. Nope, not me. That would be premeditated dishonesty.
I did not map out a specific run, select a time to go....and then 1 enchilada loaded with sour cream & avocado dip, 1 Oberon, 1 Miller Lite, & about 1/2 bag of tortilla chips with later decide.....well, maybe I would be better off spending "quality time" with my family....on the couch....asleep. I do not stuff myself & send my body into food coma. (mmmm.....Oberon)
I did not shove a large cookie dough ball from the freezer directly into my mouth & reason that such food consumption was better because I was conserving all the gas from heating the oven.
I did not take off my belt & use it as an extra reinforcement strap for my shopping cart. I did not need to spend 5 minutes forcing my standing daughter into a sitting position beforehand. My children (especially Stella) are always cooperative & besides.....that's borderline child abuse.
I did spend an evening researching Craigslist & then plan my jogging route based on garage sale locations....because I do not believe running 2 blocks between sales is just as good.
I did not buy a 6-pack of Arcadia Ales & hide them in the fridge so I could hoard them all to myself on random evenings.....when Peter was working. I did not tell him we definitely did not have any beer in the house....so he would have to drink water. No way, that is selfish & dishonest.
I did not resent Peter for an entire morning for something he said IN MY DREAM. No way, I am completely sane & can easily distinguish reality from my dreams.
I did not forget that I was wearing bright pink bunny ears on my walk to the store....and remember only because a little girl's remarked "nice ears lady". Nope, not me.....I was definitely not that crazy lady on the block.
I did not drop off a friend's wedding present over a month early just so I wouldn't have to store it & look at it every time I opened the closet. That would be really tacky & poor wedding etiquette.
Furthermore, I did not use a scrap of polka dot wrapping paper to cover the unwrapped space on the wedding gift....when the rest of the gift was wrapped in striped paper. Not me, I always take pride in my gift wrapping....especially wedding presents.
I also did not have the chance to say the following......
- "Sofia! What are you doing?!? Get your hands out of your pants! I don't care if your bum itches....at least wait till I am done paying for our groceries & then you can itch away in the car....nobody wants to see that."
- "No Fia, I did not just take a shower....my hair is just really that greasy...."
- "Uhhh....I don't think so lady! Nope, come back & please pick up your dog's business from my lawn....right.....of course you didn't notice....my daughter is getting a bag for you....."
- "What?!? They are not!....okay, you're right....I do have yucky hairy legs....but come on Fia, they are not hairy as daddy's....okay, maybe...."
- "Well Fia.....it means that you are smart when your 2nd toe is longer than your 1st toe....yes, mommy is probably the smartest person you'll ever meet"
- Yes, Sofia....boys have tinkle bums that stick out....yeah, I know....it's kinda weird...."