Monday, August 24, 2009

Not Me Monday

I can't believe I'm still doing this....but since I don't fear social judgment....I guess I'll do another. Yet another list of things that I did not do or say.....
  • I did not choose to wear my running shoes on on my way out the door to make it seem like the numerous sweat stains all over my shirt were from a rigorous workout....thus making me an active mommy who works out....not a pathetic, gross & over sweaty mommy who desperately needs a shower.
  • I did not haul Stella's high chair outside & strap her in it so I could help Sofia ride a two-wheeler....because she can not be trusted unattended. I did not ignore her screams of desperation from being restrained. Surely she enjoyed the front row seat to her sister's latest mile stone.
  • I did not take Stella to the backyard, strip her down to her birthday suit, & hose her down after she created a huge bowel movement masterpiece in her diaper, pants, & shirt. I do not treat my kids like wild animals.....or dirty automobiles.
  • I did not need to spend a substantial amount of time straightening the several layers of padding in my suit that got rearranged in the waves. This is impossible because this would mean that my upper front torso is not large enough & needs assistance filling in the gaps. No way, my melons are ridonkulous and very intimidating.
  • I did not go to Lowes with a simple task of buying a metal rake...and then come home with a metal leaf rake. Not me, I am not a lawn tool moron...why would anyone buy or need a metal leaf rakes.....they're useless.
  • I did not take Stella urinating all over the bathroom floor for me to finally get my knees & scrub it clean. No way, all the rooms in my house are on a strict cleaning schedule.
  • I did not wait for Sofia to say that my legs look like porcupines to finally shave them. Clearly this is an example of me engaging Sofia's animal knowledge with active participation....and not laziness.
  • I did not put my cranky toddler in her crib because I knew her cries of anger & confusion for being placed there would help her push a load out....and end her cranky mood.

  • I did not guzzle my very tasty piña colada so fast that I got brain way, I am definitely aware that piña coladas contain alcohol & doing such an act would be irresponsible.
  • I did not panic when my van was stolen and spend 10 minutes roaming around Meijer's parking lot with a cart full of groceries. The Meijer worker did not notice my excessive back sweat when I realized my van was at home because I took the Oldsmobile!!! Not me, such forgetfulness is restricted to the elderly & toddlers....besides, I am always cool & collected & never panic....or sweat like a man.

And the things that I did not say....
  • "Mommy doesn't care if you're not tired....I'm you're gonna take a nap so I can take one too..."
  • "No, Sofia....that kid actually meant to wear his pants down below his bum....because he is a punk kid who needs to learn respect....and how to dress himself."
  • "Seriously?!? Can you girls see that I am trying to go to the bathroom?? No, Stella....I will not read you a book right now. Not now Fia, I will braid your hair when I'm done!"


Anonymous said...

I just recieved a call from the school nurse saying that my daughter said she was sick to her stomach and I did NOT just tell the nurse to send her back to class because I am sure it was stress and I was not coming to pick her up. Please call me if she throws up!
That would just sound to careless...I am a very attentive mother.

I love your posts, they make me feel much more normal!

aelders said...

Rach, I have to agree with you about your melons, they have always intimidated me!

Rach said...

I knew it Alison! I used to always think it was my oriental flair....I figured out the truth when I turned 18 & blossomed


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