- I did not completely ignore Stella's whining in the car about her doll & realize after people were gawking at us in the grocery store....that Miss Dolly was headless. Not me, that would make me the crazy lady who lets her children play with decapitated dolls....that's morbid & disturbing.
- I did not swerve in front of the lady who nearly killed us because she was talking on her cell phone & oblivious to the driving world.....& then slow down to 15 below the speed limit....and when she finally passed me....I did not meet her dagger eyes with a smirk & pretend to be talking on my cell phone. Not me, road rage is not the answer.
- I did not get honked at a stop light because my face was not 2 inches from my rear view mirror in a very awkward attempt to dislodge a giant piece of bacon stuck in a back molar using my fingernail. No way, that's gross & unsanitary. I always have floss & toothpicks handy for such occasions.
- I did not tell Sofia that my ipod was broke & would only play The Killers....so we couldn't listen to her Vacation Bible School songs. I never miss an opportunity to deliver the wonderful message of Jesus to my children.....especially through extremely repetitive & simplistic jingles that stick in your head for weeks.
- I did not allow my legs to become so dry that Sofia and I were able to draw beautiful butterflies & play several games of Tic Tac Toe on the overly chapped surface. That's gross.
- I did not add a raspberry cereal bar to my apple & banana fruit bowl in a sad attempt to claim it as another very healthy fruit option.
And the things I definitely did not say....
- "Sofia, just because I said that you got your hair from dad....doesn't mean you have "dad hair" so relax!"
- Look Fia, just because I call it a "coin slot" doesn't' mean you should actually put coins down it! Now stop inserting coins into my rear & into Stella's diaper! Lots of people call them plumber cracks too...."