Wednesday, January 13, 2010

The Yays and Nays of Pregnancy

I strive to be an optimistic person....but I also try to realistic. I will not say something stupid like "Oh, I just need to change my attitude and then I will become a happy, glowing pregnant woman"....because that would be like saying that I enjoy throwing up, stretch marks, & cankles....which would definitely be a lie. I really did try to come up with equal numbers of Yays to match the Nays.

I was going to include pictures....but ugh, that would have taken waaaay too long. So as much as I dislike big read-only posts....this one needed to be sorry it's so much reading....booooring!

Disclaimer: These Nays & Yays are personal to Rachel Sheldon & are most likely not the same for other pregnant women. no particular order

1. The 3 Levels of Fatness

Level 1: Transition
You're not fat enough to safely label pregnant, but definitely fat enough to notice weight gain. TRANSLATION: you are too fat to fit in old clothes & not fat enough for maternity clothes. The fun body swelling welcomes the puzzled faces of people trying to decipher if your new fatness is pregnancy related.

Level 2: Cute Stage
Finally popped out & people think you're belly is cute....and you're not uncomfortable yet. Unfortunately, this is easily the shortest Rachel fatness stage.

Level 3: Ready to Pop
Your baby has seemed to reach max capacity in your belly despite the 3-4 months you may still have left in your pregnancy. You attract stupid people who make stupid statements such as "Oh my! You're about ready to pop!" and "Are you having twins?" Meanwhile your blood starts boiling as your resist making statements about their ugly faces or non pregnant weight gain.

2. Cankles
Calf + Ankle......enough said

3. Tender Mammary Glands
While this may seem exciting for weakly (or negatively in my case) endowed women as it also may involve bosom growth.....such luck does not grow my way....only pain & tenderness that begins under my collar bone and extends into my armpits & down to my ribs.

4. No alcohol
9 months is a long time to be brewskie free. Not that I'm some sort of alcoholic, but nothing beats a cold Oberon on a hot summer day....or a tasty Sam Adams during the winter months.

5. Exhaustion
The first and last trimesters are subject to this symptom.

6. Stretch marks
Yes, some women don't get these....I hate those women. I totally love the look of bear claw marks all over my rear, sides, belly, &

7. Sleeping discomfort
Does anyone else wake up three times during the night to use the bathroom? Maybe this one is just me.

8. Crazy hormone changes
I unreasonably go from crying tears of joy to I-might-punch-you-in-the-face frustration.

9. Can't see your feet
Last month....this just irritates me

10. Hot flashes
Does anyone enjoy these?

11. Linea Nigra
The sickly dark line that draws even more attention to your gross outey belly button and connects to the unmentionables....awesome.

12. The Glow
While some women experience the increased blood volume to the face with rosy cheeks & a beautiful dewy glow.....Rachel Sheldon's increased blood volume manifests itself as facial fatness and greasy skin....complete with excessive acne. Sweet.

13. Maternity clothing I know maternity clothes have come a long way...but I just don't like how they look on me.

14. Labor and Delivery
I blame Eve for this one....thanks for nothing....just had to take the fruit, didn't you?

15. Waddeling
Whoever says this is cute is a liar.

16. Old lady Stories Target
For some reason, a protruding belly is an open invite for old ladies to tell you all sorts of labor, delivery, pregnancy, & child-rearing stories....complete with unwanted personal details.

17. Side Sleeping
This generally doesn't bother me as I am a side & back sleeper to begin with....but after months of being forced to sleep on my side....I always am excited to finally sleep on my back

18. Absent Mindedness
Okay....this one is cheating....because I am already very absent minded....or would you call it ditzy?

19. General Clutziness
See #18 for similar explanation.

20. The Outey
Yo, outies are gross.

21. Non belly fatness
There is no reason for my rear end to grow to as the same rate as my belly. Not to mention the swollen face, cankles, fingers, under arms, thighs, & love handles.

22. Flatulence
I will not deny that this occurs during non-pregnancy times....but
pregnancy seems to elevate my gas levels 10 that of a dude.
It's weird.....and gross.

23. Scary Sneezing
After having the first baby sneezing becomes scary during the last
few I am forced to cross my legs to ensure that
everything stays in. Gross...yes. True....unfortunately.

24. Caffeine Cut Down
I am a coffee addict. I like it black & untainted with sugar or milk
to make it wimpy and terrible. I like to drink at least 3-4 cups in
the morning. I cut down to 1/2 a cup during pregnancy....this makes
me unhappy.

25. Nausea & Vomiting
If you enjoy the feeling of being on a constant Tilt-A-Whirl or Disney
Tea Cup Ride....then Pregnancy is for you. And I have never met
anyone who enjoys barfing. And for me....barfing does not give
satisfaction of nausea relief....just an amazing taste in my mouth.

26.Others are forced to tolerate me in this state
A special thanks to my husband, children, mother-in-law, and any others who have accidentally crossed my path and had a negative experience.

Yays....Yes, there are some!

1. Nice hair
My hair stops falling out so it gets thick & I actually like it. Not to mention that I don't have to clean out the masses of hair from the shower drain.

2. Nice Nails
Yay! There are actually benefits to downing those massive prenatal vitamin horse pills.

3. Guilt-free Weight Gain
There is definitely something awesome about gaining a pound a week (or more...LOTS more...oops) and not feeling overly guilty about it.

4. People let the pregnant lady have the seat
There have been several times when I was waiting and someone stands up to let me sit's awesome

5. Stork parking
This is at the malls & now a few local grocery stores such as Meijer. Nice close spots right next to the handicap spots for "Expectant Mothers". Awesome.....even though I don't really feel like we deserve the parking privileges of those in wheelchairs.

6. The Miracle
Yes, anyone who can not acknowledge the miracle of a mother's body creating another human is a fool.

7. Boys will NEVER experience the kicks
Sorry guys....but this is awesome.

8. Maternity Clothing
Yes, I know this is also a "nay", but I won't deny the awesomeness of clothing designed for comfort. Elastic waisted pants are indeed ugly....but oh man are they comfortable.

9. People make you food after delivery
Nothing like people bringing ready to eat food when you come home from the hospital.

10. Pregnant Lady Card
Use this card to excuse clumsiness, absent-mindedness, and general stupidity. Also play this card to excuse emotional overload at lame movies and/or commercials.

11. Holding Your Baby for the First Time
This "Yay" trumps all "Nays". I can not find words to describe holding my babies for the first time. It is the reason why I voluntarily subject my body to the "nays" for 9 months.

Obviously, I have a few more Nays....but 9 months of my life is a SMALL & very MINOR sacrifice for the blessings that my babies bring to my life. In fact, if finances would allow it....I'd totally be game for 6 kids.

I welcome any Yays or Nays that I may have forgotten.


Sandy Hop said...

I completely agree with Yay number 11. Awesome.

Erin said...

Cheer up - you only have about 6 months left. Just about the time mine should be getting a schedule and sleeping at night :) This pregnancy could be completely different than the rest - my last one was.

Launa said...

You forget the Nay that is peeing into a cup for your OBGYN at nine months... don't they know you can't see your toes much less your girlie parts so how the heck do they expect you to aim well enough to pee into a cup?
Oh, and there were a few times in my last pregnancy where I completely lashed out at no one in particular (if only I cussed... hehe) in the middle of the night for having to get up to pee a whoppin' two drops of urine.. how annoying!
I do wholeheartedly agree that number 11 trumps them all. Holding those little miracles is such an incredible blessing! Nothing like it in the world!
Hope you're doing wonderfully girlie!

Brandy said...

And you used to say that I was psycho for having 6!!! You get it now doncha?? lol =]Yay!! =]

nona said...

don't forget that you have the most beautiful children!!

Anonymous said...

6 kids huh....have you run this by your husband? Haha

Anonymous said...

Your brother loves the stork parking, me I love number 7 - feeling the royal we is awesome! -Nick

Sarah Geelhoed said...

preach it sister!:) i am right there with you. the end makes the rest completely worth the misery.:)

Ethan, Zach, and Emma's Mom said...

Your #14 nay made me laugh out loud. I believe I cursed Eve during my labor with Ethan. But, yeah, the end result is sooooo worth it!


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