Monday, October 18, 2010

Not Me Monday

I do not wish for the sky to open & strike down the punk who allowed their dog to leave an elephant sized deuce on our lawn....which did not finally get shoveled into our toilet and clog it because it was so massive.....thanks a lot jerk.

I did not post a picture of my 200+ ounces of frozen breast milk on way, that's weird...and displays what a freak of milk-making nature I have become.

I am not 100% bitter that my dinners are not even a little bit large. Nope....I am totally content with my wee front-side blessings & happy that I do not get to enjoy being a buxom mama....even if just for a year....or a few months.....what a colossal gyp.

I did not insist my daughters finish their Rice Crispies while I spooned large amounts of Nutella in my mouth....followed by a huge helpings Reddi Whip straight from the can. That would be a poor example & just breakfast ever.....dairy & protein, right?

I did not tell my girls that if our goldfish don't die soon....then we will definitely need to "set them free" in a random pond outside....or flush them down the toilet.

I did not reach down my shirt at a stop sign & give each one of my milkers a slight squeeze to confirm which side had more and get an approximation of the ounce-age. I don't assess my jublees in public....that would be totally inappropriate.

I did not get caught doing previous stated action by a wide-eyed & confused pedestrian attempting to cross the which my remark out the window was not "It's cool...breast cancer awareness....." and then speed away before allowing her to cross.

I did not tell Sofia that Mark's "knobber hangy thing" is comprised of extra elbow skin. Not me, that would be confusing....and a gross comparison.

After male acquaintance decided it would be nice to tell me "way to go....your face is waaaaay less swollen & huge" my eyes did not glaze over because I had stopped listening & was definitely not imagining myself happily punching him in the face over and over....and over and over.....till his face was swollen & huge. Not me, I am not a violent person. Idiot.

I did not forgot to wear breast pads & decide that stuffing Kleenex down my shirt was a great replacement....which did not result in a disgusting if someone TP'ed my baby feeding mountains...and then it rained milk....barf.

I did not lean Mark over & scrub his head sending a winter wonderland of cradle cap flakes snowing down....all over the ground in church. Nope not me....I totally understand that such actions would be totally gross.

I did not have an afternoon of severe stomach cramping because I spent the entire church service sucking in my way, my clothes totally fit me just fine.

My kids are definitely not still in the their 1:15pm....on a Monday....because I am definitely not clicking away at the computer when I could be dressing them.

I did not just brush my teeth for the first time today. I always brush my teeth first thing in the morning.


Sandy said...

It never ceases to amaze me the amount of synonyms you have for the word "breast."

Lesley said...

but I have never heard them called dinners...

My favorite though...breast cancer awareness week...laughed out loud.

Anonymous said...

Might be my favorite not-me monday ever:) Keep em' coming! - Megan

Laanykidsmom said...

You'd think after 4 brothers, a husband and 2 sons, I would have heard it all - but "knobber hangy thing"? New. To. Me. And totally hilarious.

Launa said...

By far my favorite was "as if someone TP'ed my baby feeding mountains...and then it rained milk....barf." Haha!! Totally been there!!
Oh and I,too, have never heard of boobs being called "dinners" but I love it and will totally use it whenever possible in the future!

Erin said...

Thank goodness for everyone's comments because I didn't understand half of that ;)


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