I did not post a picture of my 200+ ounces of frozen breast milk on facebook....no way, that's weird...and displays what a freak of milk-making nature I have become.
I am not 100% bitter that my dinners are not even a little bit large. Nope....I am totally content with my wee front-side blessings & happy that I do not get to enjoy being a buxom mama....even if just for a year....or a few months.....what a colossal gyp.
I did not insist my daughters finish their Rice Crispies while I spooned large amounts of Nutella in my mouth....followed by a huge helpings Reddi Whip straight from the can. That would be a poor example & just mean.....mmmm.....best breakfast ever.....dairy & protein, right?
I did not tell my girls that if our goldfish don't die soon....then we will definitely need to "set them free" in a random pond outside....or flush them down the toilet.
I did not reach down my shirt at a stop sign & give each one of my milkers a slight squeeze to confirm which side had more and get an approximation of the ounce-age. I don't assess my jublees in public....that would be totally inappropriate.
I did not get caught doing previous stated action by a wide-eyed & confused pedestrian attempting to cross the street....to which my remark out the window was not "It's cool...breast cancer awareness....." and then speed away before allowing her to cross.
I did not tell Sofia that Mark's "knobber hangy thing" is comprised of extra elbow skin. Not me, that would be confusing....and a gross comparison.
After male acquaintance decided it would be nice to tell me "way to go....your face is waaaaay less swollen & huge" my eyes did not glaze over because I had stopped listening & was definitely not imagining myself happily punching him in the face over and over....and over and over.....till his face was swollen & huge. Not me, I am not a violent person. Idiot.
I did not forgot to wear breast pads & decide that stuffing Kleenex down my shirt was a great replacement....which did not result in a disgusting mess....as if someone TP'ed my baby feeding mountains...and then it rained milk....barf.
I did not lean Mark over & scrub his head sending a winter wonderland of cradle cap flakes snowing down....all over the ground in church. Nope not me....I totally understand that such actions would be totally gross.
I did not have an afternoon of severe stomach cramping because I spent the entire church service sucking in my belly.....no way, my clothes totally fit me just fine.
My kids are definitely not still in the their pajamas....at 1:15pm....on a Monday....because I am definitely not clicking away at the computer when I could be dressing them.
I did not just brush my teeth for the first time today. I always brush my teeth first thing in the morning.