Monday, August 1, 2011

Not Me Monday

  • I did not put Mark in a full body dog costume and spend 30 minutes with his 2 older sisters pointing and laughing at him. No way, I would never humiliate my son and use him as entertainment.
  • I did not get angry at Stella for her fake "my tummy hurts" complains and tell her she should have gone stinkies before we went out to run errands. Nope, I respond with immediate tender care and concern to my children....especially when they communicate discomfort and pain.
  • I did not knowingly carry Mark around on my hip in his stink bomb diaper and subject surrounding gagging shoppers to his bio-diaper terror. No way, I always immediately find bathroom to change him to relieve him and everyone in nose range. Not taking such actions would be just like carrying a giant bag of smelly feces on my hip....barf.
  • I did not scoop Stella and run her 10 paces forward creating a beautiful & very straight 5 foot long line of vomit...and then pat myself on the back because I managed to get her barf to project itself off the Gazelle Sports....right in front of the cashier counter....nice.
  • I did not look up to see 4 of 4 cashiers with looks of terror combined with repulsion & fear and blurt "Awwwkkwaaard.....uhhh....this is really a birth control demonstration for you all.....clean up on aisle 4?" Nope, I do not delight other people's personal discomfort.
  • I did not make my children wait for cookies until they finished every bite of their their turkey I inhale a Nutella & peanut butter sandwich and two Little Debbie Nutty Bars....and then wash it down with a can Mountain Dew. No way, I am a big advocate of healthy eating and lead my family by example.
  • I did not hear Sofia use her best I'm-6-years-old-and-very-smart voice to factually explain to Stella that Mark's "knobber thing is just extra elbow skin that holds the tinkles a cup" Surely she did not hear such misinformation from her mother.
  • I do not often call my children "cute little buzz kills". Not me, I would never refer to my children in a negative way. Besides, using the word "cute" makes such names endearing.
  • I do not give my children generic Aldi brand sandwich cookies while I feast on double stuffed Oreos & tell them they taste the same so "you get what you get so don't throw a fit". No way, I always give my family the best life has to offer.

1 comment:

Nicole said...

OH MY GOSH You have me cracking up! Hilarious! Love your NMM's!

BTW... I found your blog from searching online.... I was looking for other Not Me Monday posts and yours came up in the search. Hilarious, you are! And your children are beautiful.



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